From The Cutting Room Floor: September 2016

Let's kick today off with a little story...not for the faint of heart. 

Yesterday, Chris had to work, so I took Jack to church by myself. Sometimes this goes great, and sometimes I barely make it fifteen minutes, but I at least like to try.

He drinks an entire bottle at once (very unusual) as soon as we get there, so I'm thinking, this is great! He's going to fall asleep and I'm actually going to get to stay for the whole service. Oh, sweet, naive Chelsea of yesterday. 

About ten minutes into the sermon, Jack turns towards me and pukes all over me. That alone would have been fine, but then, he turned and released a gyser of vomit all over the floor in front of us. And then, he turns to the poor girl who happened to be unlucky enough to be sitting next to me, and thew up all over her too. 

As if that is not enough, he also yelled/laughed/cried so loud that everyone turned around to look at me and saw the little show he was putting on. I was mortified, and would have loved to just jump up and leave, but I couldn't just leave baby puke everywhere. So instead, I have to try my best to clean it up while Jack is still yelling in the otherwise silent church. I was so embarassed that there were tears in my eyes, but I also couldn't stop laughing at the ridiculousness of it. 

This is how we left church yesterday:

Sunday Funday, am I right?

On to what September looked like through my iPhone.

He may wreak havoc during church, but he sure is sweet.

Can't get over how funny I think this shirt is. I am far too easily amused. 

That's a pumpkin spice latte in that cup. If you were wondering what me living my best life looks like, please refer to the above picture.

This made me cry. I thought it was so perfectly worded.

I found a new favorite coffee shop in town! You can leave a mug with your name on it there, and they'll wash it and use it for your coffee when you come. They have a bulletin board where you can leave a friend a note letting her know you've paid for her next cup of coffee. And, as if those things aren't enough, they sell artwork from local artists and 100% of the proceeds go to rescue children from slavery in South Asia. 

Best buds.

I loved Parenthood. Adored. I miss that show right up there with how much I miss Friday Night Lights and One Tree Hill and Gilmore Girls. So after reading this, obviously I watched This is Us. IT'S SO GOOD. Please tell me if you've watched this so we can discuss. 

My little Florida babe.

Christopher was carrying Jack on his shoulders for the first time outside, and Jack was so proud. He kept turning back to see if I was watching!

I MEAN. All of the heart eyes for this one, ever. 

Enjoy the last few days of September, friends!

my wedding was pretty funny.

Our wedding was perfect.  It absolutely reflected everything I wanted our wedding to reflect, and I loved every single second of it.  It was the best night ever. 

That being said, there were some pretty hilarious moments at our wedding.  You're welcome in advance.

The missing tux. 

The downside of groomsmen getting dressed so soon before the ceremony?  Not enough time for them to realize they don't have the right tux!  One of Chris' groomsmen had been in a super hipster wedding recently and grabbed his skinny jean suit on accident.  He lived 2 1/2 hours from where our wedding was, so he had a friend break into his house and get the suit.  With them both going 100 and meeting in the middle, he managed to make it back just in time to walk down the aisle.  What's funny is how he isn't in any of the photos, and then just randomly appears during the ceremony, sweating profusely.

The wrong cake. 

Two weeks before my wedding, the cake lady calls and cancels on me.  First she tells me that I was a terrible client and she just couldn't handle it, and then she said, "you're being so nice, I'll just tell you the truth:  I really want to go on vacation for Christmas."

Yep.  I'll just let that sink in for a second.

Almost every bakery around was booked or closed for Christmas, but thankfully I found this saint of a woman who felt terrible for me when I cried on the phone and told me she would make my cake.  She was so incredibly sweet that I'm not even mad about getting the wrong cake.  But let me just show you.

That, ladies and gents, is my wedding cake.  The one that says true love and has a horseshoe on it and looks a little elvish.  The funniest part was walking past it for the first time with my mom--she saw it and immediately tensed up, and then turned around so slowly saying, "What a pretty cake!"  I guess checking to see if I was going to have a bridezilla meltdown.  I didn't, and it was delicious. 

The MIA Limo Driver. 

After the ceremony, everyone went to the the reception hall while we stayed behind to take pictures.  Long story short--our limo driver went straight to the reception hall without passing go or collecting two-hundred dollars.  Oh, and without picking us up.  So we were just hanging out at the church with no phones and our photographer who had a car so tiny we couldn't have fit in it if we tried.  Luckily, my dad had a bad feeling and turned around to come check on us.  We ended up driving Chris' brother-in-law's car to the reception.  Chris felt terrible, but I think it's a really fun memory.  Hey, remember that time the limo driver just decided to drive himself to our reception?  Yeah, me too. 

We got a lot of pictures like this while we were just hanging out in the parking lot waiting for someone to come get us.  Totally worth it. 

The Missing Cake Cutter. 

The person I had asked to cut my cake decided to leave the reception early.  I told my dad, and he turned to a family member and asked them to cut the cake.  They said, "No, we paid someone to cut the cake."  No, no we didn't.  So I turned to the first person I saw--the wife of one of Chris' groomsmen.  I barely knew her, but that didn't stop me.  

"Hey, can you go cut the cake?"

"Umm.  Like you want me to go cut you a slice?" 

"No, can you cut the cake for everyone?"

Horrified expression.  Sweet Nod.  Gulp. 

"Of course!" 

I will be thankful to her forever.  I sent my best friend over to help her and will always remember looking over at a completely butchered  slightly mashed up cake and my best friend laughing so hard she was crying, just saying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, this is ruined, I'm so sorry, I just ruined your wedding." 

It's moments like those that I will always cherish.  They will always make me smile when I think of our wedding day.  We always tend to recap the perfection of weddings, the details that lined up perfectly, the seamless way the day flowed.  But I think it's fun to remember the non-perfect.  The missing groomsmen and the wrong cake.  The fact that it rained.  The laughter we shared recapping these stories on our honeymoon.  Our wedding day was absolutely perfect, but these "imperfect" things are part of the reason it was so perfect to me. 

So what about you guys?  Any imperfect wedding stories?  Do tell.  

2013 was funny.

This week, someone came into my work, walked up to my desk and said, "You have such beautiful eyes..I bet you make the best biscuits!"  And then walked away.  I was trying to figure out how to work that into a blog when I realized that actually, there have been a lot of funny/awkward moments like that in 2013.  So here's a post on some of those moments.  You're welcome.

-I was walking my puppy yesterday next to a field.  The bushes started moving and there was a lot of what I thought was yelling, so I snatched Gatsby up and sprinted away from what I thought was a man yelling and running towards me...turns out, it was actually a bull.  With horns.  Still terrifying, but somehow better than the predator I made up in my head.

-In February, I was having a little photo adventure with Meg, who was taking some bridal pictures at a park.  I was in my wedding dress.  We were scouting good places and found this cute little porch with a walkway that looked like somewhere people would actually have weddings, so we started taking pictures there.  Then some music started playing and I thought, awh, it's wedding music, what a coincidence.  Then I notice these men lining up in suits that were looking at me a little funny.  Then I realized, this is a wedding, and I am standing at the front of the wedding.  In a wedding dress.

And then Megan and I ran away.  But we did get some really fun pictures. 

-I was at a stoplight by my house when the guy in the car next to me gets out of his car, pulls his pants down, and starts peeing everywhere.  Then he starts waving his ahem around, and pees on my car.  I was on the phone with my mom, and was screaming and laughing (because I laugh when I'm nervous.  A great quality, I know), and when the light turned green, he just got in his car and drove away like it was no big deal.  The best part was that when I got home, I realized my back windows were down, so he heard everything I was saying/screaming about him.

-I was at home sewing by myself and could hear someone walking down the hall knocking on every door and yelling, "maintenance!"  I called my mom and started freaking out because we always get a notice on our door if maintenance needs to come inside.  So they knock on my door, and I look out the peephole to see a man dressed in normal clothes who is definitely not maintenance at my apartment.  I start whisper screaming to my mom that it was not maintenance when the door opened.  I darted outside, in my pajamas, wielding weapons of a fork in one hand and a sewing needle in the other, just in time to see several fireman standing there.  They were there to check the fire extinguishers.  They laughed at me.  A lot.

Note:  My dad has since told me that I have to stop calling my mom when these things happen and I should call the police instead.  Noted. 

-I had a booth for my shop at a Christmas fair, when a man came up and stood next to me very nonchalantly, like the people in movies do when they have top secret information.  "I don't know a lot about Hollywood,"  he muttered from the corner of his mouth.  "But I'm pretty sure you're the gal who played in Spiderman."  I told him I wasn't, but thanks for the compliment.  He told me it wasn't a compliment and that he was pretty sure that's who I was.  He left me with a tip that I should get some big sunglasses to cover my face because that might help.  And then he went back to his tent across the street from mine and proceeded to wave and give me thumbs up all night as if he knew my big secret.

What about you?  What are some of the funniest moments you had in 2013?

MERRY ONE WEEK UNTIL CHRISTMAS!


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