Sometimes You're The Dog, Sometimes You're The Tree.

"Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes the tree." That's Cam Eubanks' instagram bio and I laugh every time I see it, and every time I read it, it reminds me of parenthood. 
Let me paint you a picture of my Saturday. 
On my way to meet my friend Sam at the mall, Jack passed our hard. This was perfect, because he slept in his stroller all through our shopping. When we were done and he was still sleeping, I decided to get a little greedy and extend the trip to TJ Maxx. 
I was fighting the leftovers of a migraine, so I swung through the drive-thru on my way and ordered an extra-large diet coke. I was at TJ Maxx before I realized my giant, oversized cup did not come with a straw, so after a few messy tries of sipping out of the side of the monster cup, I left in in the car. Now, I'm gonna stop past me right here and tell her that she should have accepted this bad omen and driven her still-sleeping kid straight home where she has plenty of straws.
Instead, I went into TJ Maxx, where Jack woke up almost instantly. After a few minutes of a fussy toddler, I think he might be telling me he has to go to the bathroom. The joys of potty training, you know?
I'm trying to fit the stroller through the bathroom door when he runs ahead and locks himself in a stall. Okay, not ideal, but at least he's taking initiative! Positivity! I try to unlock the door from the outside, no luck. I knock on the door and ask him to unlock it and am met with an emphatic, "nope!" Luckily, no one else was in there, so I decided to wait a minute and let him do his thing. 
After a minute or two, I knocked on the door again. This time I was met with silence, which everyone knows is way worse than a "nope!" Okay, time to escalate this. 
As someone who frequently locks myself out of dressing rooms, I'm no stranger to this move. I mean, it's not usually on a sticky public bathroom floor, but I just won't think about that. I lay on the floor and slide under the door...except I don't. Instead, I get stuck. I don't fit under this door. From this angle, though, I can see Jack.
This child is butt naked. Just standing there, chillin' with the toilet, sans clothes.
Now, there are not many times I wonder what my life would look without a kid. But I'd be lying to you if I said that the thought didn't cross my mind, while laying on a dirty bathroom floor, stuck under a stall, staring at a naked toddler: I wonder what all the non-moms are doing this fine Saturday?
Of course, my thought was interrupted by someone coming in to use the bathroom. I tried to gracefully remove myself from my stuck position, but I'm sure it looked more like a wild animal scurrying away from something. I tried to explain what was going on, but she didn't care, and just waved me off while going into the stall next to Jack. 
I'm standing outside Jack's stall, trying to figure out my next move, when she screams.
"HE'S NAKED." 
Turns out, while I was too big to climb under the stall, Jack was not. But instead of climbing out to me, he climbed into a strangers stall. 
Me: I'm so sorry! Her: He's naked! Me: He's potty training! Her: He's naked! Me: He's naked. 
The screaming sent Jack right back into his stall, and I had to shamefully avoid eye contact while the woman came out glaring at me. A few minutes later, I thought to use my keys to try to pop the lock open, and it worked like a charm. 
I have never fled a TJ Maxx so fast in my life. But, in my hustle to get the heck outta there, I pulled onto the highway before I realized Jack was holding my keys. "Hey, Mama!"
He threw them to me and they landed in the giant, uncovered cup of diet coke, which then went all over my car, my clothes, my face, and in my eyes. Happy Saturday to me.
What can I say? Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes you're the tree. 

Some Funny Things as of Late.

I used to be really good at documenting the funny, sometimes bizarre things that tend to happen to me. My friends always make fun of the awkward situations (and people) I seem to attract. I thought it'd be fun to round some of those up. 

One:
I was meeting Sam for lunch a few weeks ago (when it was still a little chilly) and was waiting for her on the porch of a restaurant. I'd been there for a few minutes when an older man, maybe in his 60's, approached me to tell me he thought I should probably go inside. 
Me: I'm sorry? 
Him: You should go inside. I can tell you're cold. 
Me: I'm fine! 
Him: No, really. You're obviously cold. 
Me: ...
Him: I can tell your cold. Your nips are showing. They're cold, and they're showing. 
NOW. The above is obviously inappropriate no matter what, but I would like to state, for the record, that not only was I wearing a bra this day, I was wearing a hoodie. So no matter how cold I was, this man saw nothing. 
I could either go inside like he suggested (which, NOPE), or leave (which, nope) so I just sat there and looked at him and didn't say anything. He got in his car and left, and that was that. 
What is wrong with people? 
Side note: I texted my mom about this, and she texted back in all caps, MY NIPS, MY BUSINESS, which will now be my new life motto, thank you for understanding. 

Two:
I met a new friend at the neighborhood pool a few weeks ago, who was wearing big sunglasses. She took them off, introduced herself and her little boy to me and Jack, and we hit it off. I mentioned I'd love to get together soon and we went on our ways. 
Last week, I was at the pool, when she showed up in her big sunglasses. I wave and we strike up a conversation. I went to leave and said, "I'd love to have a coffee date with you and your sweet little boy (I couldn't remember his name) soon!" She sat straight up and said, "How did you know?" 
Me: What? 
Her: How did you know it was a boy? 
Me:...What? 
Her: Takes sunglasses off, is definitely not the same person I met a few weeks ago, does not even live in the neighborhood, and has just found out she's having a baby boy. 

Tell me something awkward that's happened to you lately! 

From The Cutting Room Floor: September 2016

Let's kick today off with a little story...not for the faint of heart. 

Yesterday, Chris had to work, so I took Jack to church by myself. Sometimes this goes great, and sometimes I barely make it fifteen minutes, but I at least like to try.

He drinks an entire bottle at once (very unusual) as soon as we get there, so I'm thinking, this is great! He's going to fall asleep and I'm actually going to get to stay for the whole service. Oh, sweet, naive Chelsea of yesterday. 

About ten minutes into the sermon, Jack turns towards me and pukes all over me. That alone would have been fine, but then, he turned and released a gyser of vomit all over the floor in front of us. And then, he turns to the poor girl who happened to be unlucky enough to be sitting next to me, and thew up all over her too. 

As if that is not enough, he also yelled/laughed/cried so loud that everyone turned around to look at me and saw the little show he was putting on. I was mortified, and would have loved to just jump up and leave, but I couldn't just leave baby puke everywhere. So instead, I have to try my best to clean it up while Jack is still yelling in the otherwise silent church. I was so embarassed that there were tears in my eyes, but I also couldn't stop laughing at the ridiculousness of it. 

This is how we left church yesterday:

Sunday Funday, am I right?

On to what September looked like through my iPhone.

He may wreak havoc during church, but he sure is sweet.

Can't get over how funny I think this shirt is. I am far too easily amused. 

That's a pumpkin spice latte in that cup. If you were wondering what me living my best life looks like, please refer to the above picture.

This made me cry. I thought it was so perfectly worded.

I found a new favorite coffee shop in town! You can leave a mug with your name on it there, and they'll wash it and use it for your coffee when you come. They have a bulletin board where you can leave a friend a note letting her know you've paid for her next cup of coffee. And, as if those things aren't enough, they sell artwork from local artists and 100% of the proceeds go to rescue children from slavery in South Asia. 

Best buds.

I loved Parenthood. Adored. I miss that show right up there with how much I miss Friday Night Lights and One Tree Hill and Gilmore Girls. So after reading this, obviously I watched This is Us. IT'S SO GOOD. Please tell me if you've watched this so we can discuss. 

My little Florida babe.

Christopher was carrying Jack on his shoulders for the first time outside, and Jack was so proud. He kept turning back to see if I was watching!

I MEAN. All of the heart eyes for this one, ever. 

Enjoy the last few days of September, friends!

I Want to be Like Her.

On Sunday, Christopher and I tried a church in our new town. I'll tell you a secret: I hate trying new churches. I love finding a good church, but I hate trying them. Mostly because I'm pretty introverted and meeting new people stresses me out. But I'm trying to push myself to meet people in our new city, so we went to church. 
As we were leaving, I told a lady who was standing by the doors saying goodbye to people that I liked her necklace. She said thank you, and Chris and I walked to the car. We got Jack all packed in and started to leave when I realized that the same lady had chased us across the parking lot and was waving at my window. I rolled it down. 
"You said you liked my necklace!" 
I'll be honest-I thought she was going to try to sell me something. Like, oh, you like my necklace? I actually sell them! But she didn't. 
"Sorry, I had my hands full back there. Here you go!" And she took her necklace off and gave it to me. 
She had nothing to gain from me. For all she knows, I'll never be back to that church again. She could have done a kind deed in front of a bunch of people right when I told her I liked it, but she didn't. She waited until it was just Chris and me. She just did something out of pure kindness, and it touched my heart so much. 
So much, in fact, that I'm still thinking about it five days later. 

Here's the thing about what she did...it didn't just make me feel loved and happy. It challenged me to be better. It challenged me to want to make others feel the same way. 
Churches are supposed to be a safe place, a place of love and kindness. But, as we've sadly all seen, that isn't always the case. Sometimes, it's the opposite. Sometimes, a church looks nice from the outside, but from the inside, they're not so great, because they're full of people, and sometimes, people aren't so great.
But here was this lady, doing her part to make the inside just as good as the out. 
Wouldn't it be nice if everything was like that? 
I don't know who she is, but I want to be like her. I want to brighten other people's days, even when I have nothing to gain from them. I want to throw kindness around like confetti. I want to shower people with love, just because I can. And I want people to leave encounters with me feeling so loved, that they want to go love on other people. This stranger was living out love, and I want to be like her. 
Happy Friday, friends! Cheers to a weekend full of kindness.