A Day in The Life (With a Toddler) (Send Help).

Back when I asked for topics anyone would like to see me write about, someone suggested I write a "day in the life" post. Now, while I will eventually write one of those, the day I got that suggestion just so happened to be the most INSANE day with Jack, so I couldn't miss the chance to write a funny one first. 
Now, while I will admit that all of these things did not happen on the same day, I DO want to point out they are all things that have absolutely happened recently. Also, I love being a mom. This is supposed to be funny. If you're going to be mean, leave me alone. Bye. 
4:00 AM || Wake up to the fridge alarm going off. I'm the only adult home, so this is slightly alarming (haha, get it?) I go into the kitchen to see Jack sitting amongst a graveyard of Reece's cup wrappers. He ate EIGHTEEN Reese's cups. E I G H T E E N. Clean things up, get him back to sleep, go back to bed. 
6:00 AM || Wake up to gagging noises. Realize the childproof handle on the pantry must not really be childproof, because Jack is currently emptying out what was a brand new jar of peanut butter. Wake all the way up just in time for him to throw that peanut butter up all over the bed and also on me. Jump out of the peanut butter filled bed, give him a bath, clean the carpet, and take a shower before a single cup of coffee is had. 
9:20 AM || Chase him around the house while he laughs hysterically, because for the third time today, he's gotten butt-naked minutes after I got him all the way dressed. Give up. We are a nudist home now. This is life.
10:00 AM || Get Jack settled in the den with a movie so I can conference into weekly staff meeting. Try my best to selectively hit "mute" so maybe the whole staff doesn't hear Jack banging on the locked door and sobbing like I just left him out in the desert to fend for himself.
10:03 AM || The screaming stops. Unmute when I'm asked a question, just in time for the wailing to pick back up. Say, "Oh no thank you, I'm fine!" When asked if I need to step away for a minute.    10:06 AM || Give up on the selective muting. All I'm doing is muting my answers. Stare deadpanned into the camera, daring anyone to say anything about the clearly distraught child on the other side of that door. 
11:15 AM || The sun is out. Take Jack outside to let him run some energy out / also work on my tan. Close eyes on hammock just in time to be startled by a male voice saying, "Um, is this yours?" Realize it's your neighbor on the other side of the fence, holding up a toy. Apologize. He holds up another toy. Apologize again as he proceeds to toss a pile of Jack's toys back into your yard. So Jack throws his toys over the fence now, that's fun.

1:45 PM || Realize Jack can now get on the counters. Find him standing on the stove, microwaving his milk. 
1:47 PM || While cleaning up from his countertop expedition, realize something smells bad. Like, poop bad. Check his diaper. It's clean. Chalk it up to bad gas and keep cleaning. 
1:49 PM || No, really. What is that smell? 
1:58 PM || Find the smell. GOD HELP US ALL, THIS CHILD POOPED IN THE SINK.
1:59 PM || Get allllll the cleaners out, because this sink has to be SANITIZED OKAY. 
2:13 PM || Finish cleaning just in time to catch Jack pouring window cleaner into the dog's bowl. Attempted murder? Perhaps. This is why I buy nontoxic cleaners. 
4:12 PM || Hear a man's voice. Even though my phone is password protected, somehow Jack has facetimed my coworker. 
6:34 PM || While I'm making Jack dinner, Jack is also making himself dinner. In the dog's bowl. He's poured a gallon of milk into Gatsby's food bowl and is trying to feed it to him with a spoon, like cereal. Gatsby is unappreciative, probably due to the earlier attempt on his life.
9:32 PM || He falls asleep, I put him to bed. I'd planned on tackling my to-do list once he fell asleep, but it's not happening. I last about ten minutes before I also collapse into bed. 
10:14 PM || Wake up to a hand on my face. For the first time, Jack's figured out that he can come get in bed with me at night.  Think, oh my gosh, I am literally with him 24/7 now. There is nothing more exhausting than this in the whole freaking world.  
10:22 PM || He rolls over, pats my head, and says, "mama." Think oh my gosh, there is nothing better than this in the whole freaking world. 
Parenthood is weird, y'all.