A Rude Farmer and Things You Should Probably Not Say to Your Pregnant Friends.

Last week, there was a farmer set up outside my apartment selling some produce. We stopped by his table, and he said, "If you don't mind me saying so, you look amazing." To which I replied, "I don't mind at all!" But then things started to go downhill.

Farmer: "I've seen so many women use pregnancy as an excuse to gain hundreds of pounds."

Really? That seems a little excessive. But okay. Can I just pay for this banana bread now?

Farmer: "It took my wife a matter of days to be back down to her pre-pregnancy weight!"

Chris: "Great! We want this banana bread.

Farmer: "The best advice I can give you is this: Don't feel like you have to listen to anyone's advice. Just do what you think is best, you'll figure it out. Everyone is going to give you unsolicited advice, but just ignore it."

Me: "That is good advice! Thank you."

Farmer: "But, if I could just give you one piece of advice..."

Did you not just hear the words that came out of your mouth? Stop. Just let me pay for this freaking bread.

Farmer: "How old are you?"

Me: 23.

Farmer (turns to Chris): "So, your sexy, 22 year old wife from last year, she's dead." 

Chris and I just look at each other because 1) We had no idea that I had died last year, so that was a shocker, and 2) What is happening and can we just leave now. 

Farmer: "She's dead, and she's never coming back. This-gestures up and down at me-is what you've got now. The sooner you can make your peace with that, the happier you will be."

Me: Tries really hard to not throw banana bread at farmer's face. 

So, that was quite the experience. I have so many things to say about it, but I'll just leave it there and let you use your imagination about how I feel.

Which brings us to some things you should probably not ever say or do to someone who is pregnant. AKA, more weird and rude things that have happened to me and I feel the need to share with you, in case you have pregnant friends.

Grab their stomachs. Especially if you are not close friends with them. This is not something you say, but it gets the number one spot because it will never stop being weird to me. Never have I ever seen a pregnant woman somewhere and just decided I must put my hands on her immediately.

Say things like, "Aren't you so glad you're past the hard part?" We waited to tell people about the baby until the end of the first trimester, and a lot of people think that morning sickness (which is horribly named, because nothing about it is limited to the morning) ends promptly at 12 weeks. And for some people, it does. But do you know when I stopped throwing up? A few weeks ago.

Also, in the grand scheme of, you know, having a baby, I don't feel like the first little bit is the hardest part, but that's just me.

Ask, "How much weight have you gained?" I feel like this is just common sense. Never ever ask this question. To anyone. Ever.

Say things like, "You have no idea, just wait until _____." I obviously know nothing about having a child, because I've never had one. But you know what's not fun at all? Having people tell you that you have no idea. So when your pregnant friend mentions that her back is killing her, shooting back with, "You think your back hurts now? Just wait until you have to carry a toddler around!" helps no one. Pregnancy is hard. Just let it be hard without trying to assert your vast knowledge of hard things.

Ask, "You're not eating _____, are you?" Either the answer is no, and there's no reason to talk about the food I am missing out on, or the answer is yes, and there's no reason for you to tell me why it's a horrible idea. If your pregnant best friend is eating sushi and drinking saki bombs, then by all means, feel free to have a conversation with her. But resist the urge to talk to your pregnant acquaintance about the dangers of that second cup of coffee. Trust me, she's heard it.

Make negative comments about having kids. In case you missed some vital days of school, I'll fill you in on something: Being pregnant leads to having a kid. Why people think it's okay to tell me all the negative things about having a kid, when I am clearly about to have a kid, is so confusing to me.

Ask things like, "Are you having an epidural?" Or, "Are you going to take this medication?" Exception: Totally ask these things if, when you hear the answer, your response will be: "Great!" And then move on. However, these questions usually come with a prepared rebuttal speech and that is just exhausting. Trust that if I've made a decision, I've done my research.

And, I think it goes without saying: Don't be a rude farmer who tells people the days of being sexy are behind them. You might get banana bread thrown at your face.